2. Keep the problem the problem. Do not personalize it. Attack the problem not the person. Maintain ownership of your part of the disagreement. Use "I" or "we" statements instead of "you" statements.

3. Stay on one subject. If the fight is about a mother-in-law, then stay on that subject until there is some kind of resolution. Don’t bring in other problems like money, drinking, etc. Handle one problem at a time.

4. Use time-outs as needed. If tempers are flaring and you find yourself losing control put the argument on "hold" or call a "time-out" and agree to meet back at a specific time when things have calmed down a little. It may help to do some physical activity like walking around the block or taking a shower to calm tempers.

5. Listen for understanding. Make a real effort to try and understand each other. Remember all of us want to be listened to. We want and need to feel that what we have to say is important and that our thoughts and opinions are of value.

6. Don’t mind read your partner by assuming that you know what they are thinking or feeling. Always ask your partner what they think and feel because feelings and thoughts change over time.

7. Try to see things from your partner’s point of view as if you were walking in their shoes with their feelings and background. It doesn’t mean you have to agree with them. When you validate your partner’s feelings by acknowledging his/her viewpoint you open the door for the same in return and then both of you will be more willing to solve the problems together.

8. Seek to solve the problem. Work as a team. Don’t bring in others (family, friends, etc.) to gang up on your partner. Use this phrase during an argument: "What can we do together to solve this problem? I am willing to do the following…" Then state what you are willing to do and then do it.

If you believe you have relationship problem, it's important you realize that you are not alone.  You may want to arrange for a consultation with a professional at Growth Central 212-749-3684

What About Assertiveness Training?

It's true that angry people need to learn to become assertive (rather than aggressive), but most books and courses on developing assertiveness are aimed at people who don't feel enough anger. These people are more passive and acquiescent than the average person; they tend to let others walk all over them. That isn't something that most angry people do. Still, these books can contain some useful tactics to use in frustrating situations.

Remember, you can't eliminate anger—and it wouldn't be a good idea if you could. In spite of all your efforts, things will happen that will cause you anger; and sometimes it will be justifiable anger. Life will be filled with frustration, pain, loss, and the unpredictable actions of others. You can't change that; but you can change the way you let such events affect you and how you respond to the events. Find out more about the Real Solution Assertiveness Workbook.

Additional Readings

Relationship Information (PDF)

Pfeiffer, R. Creating Real Relationships: Overcoming the Power of Difference and Shame ISBN: 1893505138 212 pp. (Hardcover only) Growth Publishing NY. Highly acclaimed book dealing with underlying issues of self-esteem (shame). Offers skills and concepts to resolve conflicts and to overcome anger problems. It is most effective for those who are fully aware of their need to find help for their relationship problems.

Pfeiffer, R. Real Solution Anger Management Workbook ISBN: 1893505189 129 pp. Growth Publishing NY. Highly acclaimed book dealing with underlying issues of self-esteem (shame). Offers skills and concepts to overcome and manage anger problems. It is most effective for those who are fully aware of their need to find help for their anger problems. Goals for participants are to reduce levels of anger, shame, guilt, and isolation, to learn effective coping skills leading to increase self-esteem.